Leaving

I composed most of this blog post before I left, so this post reflects my feelings as I was leaving rather than how I am feeling now. Here it is:

I have always been somewhat suspicious of those who travel to purportedly “find themselves”. It has always seemed to me to be an excuse of some sort. It must represent an escape, I figured, from facing the obligations of a budding adult, the messes swept into corners or left under their beds in their parents’ homes. Or perhaps, I thought, it is an act of indecision; some people are escape artists in their own lives, preferring to be spectators of the lives of others to producing contributions of their own. Though I wouldn’t say that my prejudices are altogether unfounded, my own decision to travel is not in fitting with these explanations; Though I don't view my leaving as a choice so much as a necessity, I have recently reconsidered the merits of taking a "gap year".

As a child, my sense of self blossomed from rich soil, fertilized by the self-empowered mantras all children raised in the 1990s; I could be whatever I wanted to be; hard work and dedication would bring me untold success. In school, I worked doggedly – not from self-perceived choice, but because it was the only way I knew how to be – and excelled academically, musically, athletically, and artistically. I always knew when I was doing well because the benchmarks told me so. In college, I experienced great difficulty choosing just two majors, and continued to excel, though the clouds of the recession (and generation Y’s depression) were already gathering.

Graduating in 2009 amid economic upheaval, the mantras started to fall apart before my eyes; many people would never achieve their goals. Contrary to Sesame Street’s slogans, passion and talent often take a backseat to the bureaucracy of rules, labels, and files in today’s world. I quickly realized my undergraduate majors – Art and Psychology – though providing me with rich, universally relevant knowledge, were not enough on their own to land me a professional career in my hometown. After a year of working as a free-lance educator of sorts, (subbing, tutoring, coaching, as doggedly as high school) I decided to be a teacher, and considered the problem solved; I knew that my energy and enthusiasm would pay back as a teacher, and that being a renaissance chick was a strength.

However, this fall, despite the earnest expectations of my friends and family, I did not get a teaching job. Coaching, too, was not in the cards. My romantic relationship crumbled. Soon, my expectations for the year were moot. I felt an incredible sense of frustration. I had been raised to work above and beyond as a contributing member of society. It seems naïve, but I am only now coming to realize that in the current state of the world, jobs are more about your ease of use than your potential or your desire to make potential contributions. In this life, striving is not enough to guarantee success, or even employment.

I felt I was going crazy in Anchorage, being so close to the things I wanted to be doing, but being unable to do them. There had always been a nagging doubt in my head about whether I was trying to take my career too quickly. I felt I was going crazy in Anchorage.  I have a wide circle of diverse friends; in addition to aspiring professionals, my friends include artists, musicians, athletes, and circus performers. Some of my happiest friends are vagabonds. I have the capacity, so why not try some unstructured travel?

On this trip, I hope to force myself to live somewhere uncomfortable, where I cannot take even simple communication for granted. Rather than hanging out in Anchorage, with plans but no opportunities, in Ecuador, I hope it will be the opposite: many opportunities and no firm plans. It is no use becoming bitter about things I cannot change; in this trip I hope to learn to live "in the now", to enjoy myself for my own company, and life for the possibilities it provides. I also hope to see some cool things and learn Spanish.

Wish me luck, and see you guys December or later!